


Wish I’d Off Myself Instead

by BenTylerShook



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Blood, Cutting, Depressing, Major Character Injury, Michael Mell Protection Squad, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please Be careful, Please Don't Hate Me, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings in Author’s Notes, You Have Been Warned, alternate ending au, these kids need HELP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-25 21:38:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BenTylerShook/pseuds/BenTylerShook
Summary: “Get out of my way… loser”The words replayed in Michaels mind on repeat, a constant reminder of what his best friend thought of him. Best friend. The words sound sour in his head. He had always known he was deemed a loser. He had been most of his life. He just always tried to shed light on it. But he just couldn’t anymore. He couldn’t live like this. He wouldn’t live like this.An AU where Michael is not the savior.(I suck at summaries)





	1. Chapter 1

Wow so i just typed up a whole explanation for this and then got off for a few minutes and it’s gone so thats fabulous. Ok so i dont want to give too much away. I’m currently writing this but i wanted to get the work posted so that i make myself finish it and there are a few things i wanna clarify/say-

-I wish there was an archive warning for Major Trigger Warning bc I’m warning you now this is not something someone who is easily triggered by suicidal thoughts/actions should necessarily read. That being said, i will include trigger warnings in the authors notes. Also keep an eye on the tags for they will be updated as i write and post this. The first chapter is probably going to be the worst trigger wise, but i haven’t written much further so i cant be sure. I sent some friends a early draft of chapter one and they both said it was really sad. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. 

-That out of the way, this is an AU i have thought about a lot yet I’m still not exactly sure where its gonna go. I dont want it to get too dark (I’m only going for one (1) death right now) but if i feel thats where it needs to go thats where it’ll go. I’m hoping it’ll get better but again, I’m not sure. 

-When I’m typing this i only have one chapter written and the next pretty much fully planned. I’m not starting this until i have quite a few chapters written so that i can get some sort of schedule down with time to keep writing. I have a very busy lifestyle and another one shot book to keep up so i cant promise too much. I should be able to get this going within a week but i also have a thanksgiving one shot that i want to write and get posted on thanksgiving so no promises. 

-I’m very very excited to write this and i have so many ideas for it. I’m going to work as hard as i can on this making to sure reread it many times and edit it to the best of my ability. I really want this to be of good quality. I also have another AU that ive already written some of but I’m supposed to be writing it with friends so I’m not sure if thats ever going anywhere but besides the point. I really hope you guys enjoy this because its something i haven’t really seen before. If you guys ever have suggestions for the plot please let me know. 

Again I’m really excited for what’s to come. And again again M A J O R T R I G G E R W A R N I N G. I really dont want this to cause any sort of mental attack so please read at your own risk. I feel like I’m being very repetitive but i really want to make sure i get my point across. Please give me feedback once this gets started. I think thats about it. Till next time :)


	2. I Hope You’re Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! I’m sorry for the wait on this, but while i think i like this overall, i feel like it still isn’t written well enough but I’m posting it anyway. Ill try to get uploads out weekly but with this and my oneshot book no promises. 
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING 
> 
> If you dont feel comfortable reading this first chapter, you can skip it and it’ll be pretty much explained in the next chapter and you shouldn’t be missing anything plot wise. 
> 
> Enjoy!

_“Get out of my way… loser”_

The words replayed in Michaels mind on repeat, a constant reminder of what his best friend thought of him. _Best friend_. The words sound sour in his head. He had always known he was deemed a loser. He had been most of his life. He just always tried to shed light on it. But hearing Jeremy, his only friend of 12 years say it straight to his face felt like a hot knife, tearing through an open wound. 

Michael grabs the bottle of vodka. After chugging half the bottle in one go, he picks up his razor blade, carving the word ‘loser’ into his left forearm, knowing whether he made it or not, it would be a constant reminder to himself and Jeremy of this night. Blood coating his arm, he grabs the vodka again to chug the second half. Once it’s empty, unable to bring himself to care, he drops the bottle, allowing it to shatter on the ground below him. He takes the blade once again, to make deep cuts into his wrist on his right arm this time. Already starting to go unconscious, he sits down and scoots against the wall, parallel to where he was standing seconds earlier. Running a hand through his greasy hair, he takes deep breaths, starting to feel slightly lightheaded. In his last few minutes of consciousness, he reflects on the last 12 years with Jeremy. 

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In kindergarten, when the two boys met, they would race to the swings at recess, Michael would usually win, stealing the good swing. Their elementary school was in the middle of New Jersey, so they didn’t necessarily have to funds for a very high end playground. Because of this, there was only one swing that anyone wanted. They’d take turns on the swings, getting bored after only 10 minutes. Then they’d run to the middle of the field and talk about their newest obsessions. 

1st grade. They’d sit at lunch everyday and just chat. They were introduced to video games this year, so that would take up most of lunch. After school, they would alternate who’s house they’d take their after school nap in. 

2nd grade. They’d spend all day with each other on their birthdays. For Michael’s birthday, Jeremy got him his first pair of headphones. The headphones were grey and labeled on each side with an R or an L. For Jeremy’s, Michael got him a stuffed PAC Man plush, Michael having a ghost plush to match.

3rd grade. They were bullied for the first time. A boy named Dustin Krop teased them for being so close. Being 9 years old, they brushed it off not really caring. This was the year Jeremy’s mom left. He spent a lot of time at Michael’s house this year. 

4th grade. Finally 10 years old. This year, they had their first sleepovers with each other on their birthdays. On Michaels birthday, Jeremy got him his signature red hoodie. He made sure to get it a few sizes too big, hoping it would last him a while. They spent the night at Michael's house that night. On Jeremy’s birthday, Michael gave him a black knit cardigan. They stayed at Jeremy’s house that night. 

5th grade. Their last year of elementary school. They walked out of the doors of the elementary school for the last time hand in hand, ready to face this next chapter of their education. They really weren’t sure what middle school had in store for them, but they were excited to be doing it together. 

In 6th grade, they met two girls by the names Chloe Valentine and Brooke Lohst. The girls were nice. The four all had fun together. They would sit together at lunch, hang out and gossip during their regular hangouts at pinkberry, and study together for tests. The 4 were almost inseparable. 

7th grade. They met another girl, Jenna Rolan. Jenna was strange to Michael and Jeremy. She seemed to keep to herself, a concept that Jeremy and Michael weren’t familiar with. Still, Jenna joined the group for study sessions and lunch, usually on her phone, yet her company was enjoyed. 

8th grade. Their last year of middle school, they were finally teenagers! Unfortunately, it was also the year they started getting bullied. A lot. They beat the first 3 levels of Apocalypse of the Damned 8th grade. He remembers coming out as gay that year. He had told Jeremy through tears, only to receive comfort and love from his best friend. It was then that Michael realized his feelings for Jeremy. 

9th grade. Their first year of high school. Michael and Jeremy were close as can be. They beat levels 4-7 of Apocalypse of the Damned by the end of this year. This was also the year that Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna stopped being friends with them and started bullying them. For Jeremy’s birthday this year, Michael got him a new cardigan, this time blue. For Michael, Jeremy replaced Michael’s Headphones with identical grey, labeled ones, and he replaced his red hoodie, this time having added a few patches to start off the collection. 

10th grade. They beat level 8 of AotD. They had a new bully this year. His name was Richard Goranski. He wore muscle shirts and had a red streak in his platinum blond hair. This was also the year that Michael had his first panic attack. They had ended that year pretty weak, but all that mattered to the two was that they had survived it. Together. 

11th grade. The year that will turn out to be, by far, the worst year of the two boys’ young life. They started out the year fine. Jeremy developed a crush on the new girl, Christine Canigula. Michael had started his routine of getting 7/11 for lunch everyday. After school they would always go to Michael’s house, more specifically his basement. They would play video games for hours, than take a pizza break, where they’d talk about school, their newest bullies, etc. After, they’d play more video games before usually deciding to get stoned. They only did so on days that Jeremy planned on staying the night. If he wasn’t staying the night, they would play some more video games before Jeremy said his goodbyes and left. Life was good for while. He had decided one day he was going to add a new patch to his hoodie. A pride flag. A week after he added the patch marked the day that started this mess they were in, the day Jeremy was introduced to a SQUIP. 

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That brought him to tonight. In the bathroom of Jake Dillinger’s Halloween party. He didn't realize he had been crying until he goes to check the time on his phone, having to wipe his eyes with the back of his bloody hand to see the screen. _11:07 pm._ Not as late as he’d hope. With the last little bit of energy he has left, he texts Jeremy before blacking out. 

_**Player 2:** I hope you’re happy _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was this? Please give me feedback in the comments and let me know if this was any good. Till next time!


End file.
